Hey everyone 🙂
I hope everyone is doing well! It’s been a while since I’ve updated- sorry! Life is crazy! I am kind of having a stressful week to be honest. My life has really changed in a lot of ways in the past few months. I had a friend pass away last week 😦
On a different note-it doesn’t surprise me one bit, it’s actually really interesting to see how this Justin cam has added and taken away from my every day life. Lets see…I started writing about the camera when it was just a couple weeks into it. I have gone through many phases since then! I will explain them briefly- When Justine first got the camera it was exciting and weirdly uncomfortable. Not many people can adapt well to hundreds of people watching your every move such as talking, walking, eating, laughing. Not only are these things being watched but people are talking about them in the live chat. At first I worried a lot and I took everything to heart, trying to put on a tough exterior and act like it didn’t bother me when I was criticized. The next stage in the game was letting it run my life..since I have spent every day with Justine for the past few few years I just felt as if I had to make this thing a part of my life though I really didn’t want to. If you weren’t aware…we live together, freelance together and hang out (or used to) every day. One of those best friends that can finish your sentences, make you laugh till you cry, you can talk to about anything and support through any time in their lives. So I was left with some decisions to make. I didn’t like how this camera made me feel, but I didn’t want to stop hanging out with my closest friend in the world. I didn’t like sharing my private conversations with my best friend with the internet or worrying about random people showing up from the chat room, not ever feeling comfortable in my own skin. Though I would like to say I am strong enough to not let those things get to me…if I said that I would not be telling the truth. I had my moments of strength don’t get me wrong but overall it was just turning into something that was making me feel distant from myself and others. Though more and more people were watching and knew who I was -through Justine- I was losing myself. Weeks of getting emails from people telling me how “hot” they think Justine is, or begging me to tell her they said hello…just trying everything to use me to get to her. It isn’t fun anymore when you feel like you are being contacted just because of someone you are close to. I am so happy for her and everything that is happening. My dream was to do the sketch comedy stuff we did on mommypackmylunch.com..I am not sure what my dream is anymore. I think I just miss being Desiree. I feel like I have a lot to offer and it is getting lost in all this..I want to make sure I don’t lose that. I am different from Justine…I don’t have an iphone, nor do I care if I have one. I never used a computer until I was in college, I have just learned a lot since then. I love being behind the camera, not in-front of it, I draw a lot, I love God and that is what matters the most to me. There are a lot of things about me that people don’t know.
As for where things are right now…I am not sure. People have noticed I don’t really stay here anymore, this is true. I have been staying with friends for the past couple months. This is not because I am mad at Justine it is because I don’t like being on the camera all the time. Has this been hard on our friendship? – yea. I am hoping it’s just taking some time to find that balance between the internet time and real relationship and friendship time. I know it’s not an easy transition and I am definitely ok with being patient and supportive in this time. I miss my life and how things used to be, but there are a lot of new and exciting things for Justine now and that’s awesome. It kinda stinks I have to find a different job now instead of the work I was doing with her. I don’t even know what my job title is anymore I feel like I have learned so much in the past year from all this craziness! Life is definitely unpredictable right now..I have no idea where I will be working. So right now what I feel about the camera is- I don’t like it, but I will tolerate it. Only because I love Justine and I value our friendship. I love the chatters (for the most part haha) it’s almost like a little community. Everyone is different though, thats what makes people interesting. Life is what we make of it, my life is way different from most and I feel blessed to experience the things I do. Because we know that trials produce perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. This is a tough time in my life with all the transition, but I am trying to be hopeful that something good will come out of all this. Thank for listening.
Dezzy
desiree 